Ben Sasse is right: The Founders would panic if we have more me’s in the world.

In his new book, Eating My Own Shit And Calling It Gourmet, United States Senator Ben Sasse says of me, “‪Our Founders…would panic about the survivability of a nation if we have too many Ms. Janes.”

Pig fucker Ben Sasse could not be more right, despite the fact that he did so little research before putting my name in his mouth that he failed to realize that my last name is not, in fact, Jane. That’s my middle name, and here’s a quick lesson on why, if you’re going to immortalize me in print, you better come correct.

The nation could not survive if there were more Ms. Me’s, that is true. The Founding Fathers wouldn’t just panic— they’d be horrified at the prospect of so many good, hardworking people who suffer so enormously without cause or merit, and then ridiculed in print for daring to speak out against it. They’d be disgusted that the pain of the underemployed was used as elitist fodder, mocked to make a quick buck. The sad truth is that there are already millions of me and we’re all getting immensely sick of working our asses off just to be told we should suffer more. We are sick and tired of the uppity bullshit spouted by heartless douchebags who tout their blessings and things handed to them as hard-earned achievements, like walking into the bar of a family friend and being handed a job you have no experience in. Or using someone else’s suffering to try making a buck off of congratulating your own shitty, hack self. Or, worse yet, not realizing how harmful and cruel it all is to be that kind of person.

Allow me to further illuminate you on the feelings the Founders would have at the thought of me, or there being a lot of people like me, in their country.

The Founding Fathers would panic at a nation full of people like me, whose mothers kept them because they thought a baby would keep a man, only for those mothers to realize an infant doesn’t fix relationships.

The Founding Fathers wouldn’t just panic — they’d be horrified — that a child was used to help craft an alibi with her mentally unstable mother while that mother’s three best friends murdered five people. Using a gun that mother kept in a safe mere feet from where that child slept. Purchased legally and for the intent of murder in pursuit of cash.

The Founding Fathers would be sickened at the emotional, physical, and psychological abuse that child had to endure while being forced to be the sole caretaker of her infant sister — who was also born in the fruitless effort to keep a man — while also managing all of the household chores (so CPS wouldn’t separate her from her sister) and attending high school.

Perhaps they’d also be concerned for that child who dared to grow up — rather than kill herself when her mother dove hard into the booze — and who used every state resource available to be the first in her family to attend college. They would be heartbroken to see that young woman who has had to fight so hard just to stay alive to then have to drop out just a few credits shy. Because her full scholarship was cut in half, she had no co-signers to assist in taking out a loan, and she couldn’t afford the tuition, despite working throughout college. The Founding Fathers, who all enjoyed the privileges of higher education, would certainly be dismayed at that.

Furthermore, The Founders would be distressed that a full-time employee at one of the most well-known companies in the country, who regularly worked overtime, couldn’t afford to survive. They would be disgusted that this was the norm for this employee, as well as all of her coworkers. They would panic anew that that employee would feel so suffocated, despite working and scrounging as hard as possible, that she felt her only option was to scream out for help to the head of the company. The Founding Daddies would feel sick to their stomachs that that employee was fired for her actions, despite the fact that the company would later realize raising wages is the right call. Meanwhile, they’d be stunned that the one who put her neck on the line to help her and her coworkers be heard couldn’t find gainful employment because conservative assholes decided to label her as “entitled” and “whiny” when neither adjective could be further from the truth.

The Founding Papas would likely panic a third time —not at the Ms. Me’s of the world, but at the response by the gloating, condescending, smegma-munching Ben Sasses of the world. The Sasses so far up their own Asses that they blame the individual rather than the system that created them…And then revel and celebrate in the profits made by wrongfully and inaccurately immortalizing a dish washer’s name in print.

The Founding Pops would be disheartened by me and my story. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I have only ever tried to do the right thing and have only ever been met with abuse after abuse, all for daring to exist. Because I dare to fight for a realistic American Dream rather than shovel shit into my mouth and call it gourmet. All I’ve ever wanted to do is create things that can give us momentary reprieve from the callousness of this world, and yet it’s me, the easy target, who’s repeatedly dragged down (despite already being down) for the sake of some smug fucks who aren’t clever enough to belittle someone powerful.

Keep eating shit, Ben Sasses of the world. The Ms. Me’s of the world are going to keep on, and you better hope we never get a book deal because we would fucking eviscerate you in the New York Times Best Sellers List.



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