Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is Evil

talia jane
3 min readDec 30, 2016

I know: No one’s going to read a Christmas-type thing after Christmas. Like many diseases, the song “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” didn’t enter my brain until it was too late. But I need to exorcize this demon from my brain before it takes me into the netherworld and makes me watch horrific atrocities on repeat, like my mother fucking Scott Baio when they were in high school, or The OA. So let’s break out the sage and get this started.

Rudolph had a shiny nose that some would even say glows. I mean, this is obviously just a reversal of facts because the writers needed something to rhyme with “nose,” but it’s clear later on when Santa asks for his help on a particularly foggy night that Rudolph’s nose very much did glow and was not simply shiny. That’s established fact. Even in the movie universe (hereafter called “MU”), there’s a moment when Rudolph makes a face like he’s taking a shit and, voila! His nose glows!

Here’s my problem.

The other reindeer wouldn’t let Rudolph play in their little reindeer games (the commonly known ad libs of the song name “Monopoly” as an example, which troubles me because reindeer should have no need for an understanding of capitalism). In the MU, we see it established that Rudolph is actually an alright guy. He talks like he’s congested all the time, but he’s kind and friendly. Granted, this could be thanks to Hollywood constantly ‘sprucing up’ unlikable real people for the sake of a better story. For example: awarding Sean Penn seventeen assloads of awards after he beat the shit out of Madonna, or how A Beautiful Mind conveniently ‘forgets’ that John Nash once threw his wife down on the ground and stepped on her neck. To Hollywood, these are just fussy details. But ‘forget’ enough fussy details and you wind up with a major plothole: If Rudolph is such an okay guy, why did everybody viscerally hate him? Save your ‘how bullying works’ talk for another day. This is a purely ridiculous premise that I don’t know how I’ll conclude and it’s mostly for the benefit of doing it rather than it being good.

Onward, through the irony of creating my own plothole while criticizing plotholes, we go!

Back to the original song: The other reindeer wouldn’t let Rudolph play until after Santa came to say: Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight?

AND WHAT’S THE NEXT LINE?

THEN all the reindeer loved him. THEN. They loved him when he became useful to them. And why is that?

My theory?

Rudolph is a mutant whose mere presence makes others twitch with rage. Rudolph’s red nose is the result of improper disposal of nuclear waste that his mother consumed while she was pregnant with him — either accidentally or intentionally. Rudolph’s abilities extend beyond lighting his nose. His nose not only lights up the sky, filling it with a deep red, but it lights up the visceral hatred that many of us work to keep dormant. His presence is like a magnet to our ids, bringing out the ugliest parts of us. It’s only when Santa appears and squirts his Christmas magic all over the place that Rudolph’s most evil abilities are quelled — not unlike Superman and Kryptonite. We don’t know what happens after Santa leaves, but its safe to assume his powers to disable the darkest of Rudolph’s abilities lingers after he leaves, much like the taste of balls even after you’ve brushed your teeth. The only question is: What happens when Santa’s gone too long? What happens when Rudolph gets older, and his powers become stronger? Well…

I found an online paint application to make this. It took forty hours.

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